When anyone says anything negative about me, and I'm sure they do, I can at least say with certainty that I am loved - and that I have a lot of love to give.
Unfortunately, a lot of times, that love is masked by a lot of pain or regret or disappointment or resentments. The past year (and many years prior) have almost seemed like a test. As if I were navigating a video game of my own life, seeing myself through the eyes of Mario - finding coins, losing coins, losing chances (lives, in the game), then suddenly I am hopping over clouds, grabbing fireballs, throwing them at anyone who stands in my way, and leaping to the end of the level, on my way to fight even bigger bosses. (The only thing I can say with certainty that I skipped out on is the mushrooms.) I'm sorry and you're welcome for the terribly relatable Mario metaphor, but you 70's and 80's kids will totally get it.
Anyway, my point is that my life has not been easy. But we all make mistakes because we are human. We are humans dealing with - or ignoring - our own emotions. We are so afraid, in fact, of our own emotions that we mask uncomfortable feelings with material comforts. Food, alcohol, painkillers, eating disorders, video games, or any other excessive compulsion that becomes a lifeblood to escape discomfort. If there is one thing i have learned in my 26.9 years on this earth, it's that pain is inescapable. The pain of not having enough, not being enough, not living up to others' standards of us. Most of the time, this is what causes our own pain, and we don't know why. We can't pinpoint why we are feeling upset about something we "should be grateful for"; we can't figure out why someone else's unhappiness is bothering us so much; we can't help but want happiness for those we care for, but at the expense of what? All this worry causes us more pain. But because we are human, which has yet to be fully and completely 100% understood or explained, we still feel pain. It's a natural part of life, much like happiness. But because pain hurts, we don't accept it into our lives: we avoid it. Think of the last time you were angry - there is most definitely pain behind that anger. There is pain behind every mechanism of defense. There is also generally a positive intention behind those mechanisms. Think of negative people you've known - those people are in a lot of pain.
I don't really know what made me think of this. I have been struggling with a lot of pain throughout the years and have learned the best ways to cope and understand it. For me, understanding is key. If I don't understand how things work, I don't embrace them. So i have taught myself about pain, emotions, feelings. I have done some damn hard work on myself! I think about my parents a lot and I miss them. I worry about losing them eventually. The pain of loss is of course inescapable, but it doesn't have to be avoided. At one point or another we are all faced with a "gun to our head" moment where we are forced to do something that burdens others but that makes us - ourselves - feel good. It empowers us. It enables us to move past discomfort we have toward our own emotion because that pivotal moment requires us to make a life altering decision.
For some people, though, they get stuck in normality and material comforts. Yet, they are in pain, but it had been so internalized that they become unaware of its existence. And suddenly their job is gone. Or their house. Or a loved one decides to leave. Not to say any of that isn't devastating - just saying that it is easy to be swept up in our comfortable lives, if they are comfortable. Its easy to avoid pain and discomfort. Because as long as we avoid it, we are free from the burden of pain. We are also free from the joys of life, because without pain, there can be no joy. It's easy to overlook what's important to us (and whom) because acquiring what makes us happy takes an extraordinary amount of work - physical, emotional, and mental work.
When my parents pass onto the next life, it will be a pivotal moment for me. It will no doubt change my life. I will look back and regret the fights we had or the regrets of not doing or being enough. I will most likely at that time reevaluate my surroundings to see if I am living the life I really want to be living. But why do we need those moments to move up and make changes? Most likely because those moments involve immense amounts of pain and suffering - and it is only through feeling and experiencing pain that we can move forward and become better people.
I challenge you to cherish the people you love, forgive the people you hate - (or at least say a prayer or have hope that they one day can be as smart as you are) and take this moment to reevaluate your life. Are you living the way you want to be? If you're not, what's holding you back?
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