How To Maximize Your Evenings - and Quality of Life

Do you ever come home from work so exhausted and mentally drained that all you can dream of doing is taking a nap... and waking up the next morning?

If you've been there (and if you've ever actually tried that method...) you know that burning through your precious after-work hours is either impossible or it will leave you with twice as much to do tomorrow evening. If you have kids, the option to go to bed at 6:00 has probably never presented itself!

Everyone wants to feel productive. We live in a society that encourages overworking and rewards it with increased salaries, which leads to increased stress and responsibility (as if we didn't have enough). And if you can seemingly "handle it all" (juggle a family life, social life, work life, self-care, exercise, eating right, cooking homemade meals, and hobbies) according to our culture's standards, you are a super-human!

The truth is that most of us are struggling with juggling multiple priorities. What do we do with ourselves when we get home from work? Or school? I don't have any hard statistics, but I do know from working in HR that most Americans work to make money and take care of their families - they aren't necessarily working their dream jobs.

I'd like to introduce this quote, which I found incredibly insightful. I found this quote when I was reading a DIY home improvement magazine and why you should stop before you're completely burnt out on a project:

“Perfectionism, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable.” (Wikipedia)

It's so true. Can you think of the last time you avoided something? Gave up on a project? Threw in the towel? If so, what was it and why? The idea that we have to perfect our work is enough to push it off - isn't it easier to admit defeat if we didn't put ourselves out there or put our effort into it? 80% of our effort is better than 100% of doing nothing - or not trying at all, to avoid the responsibility of having to be perfect.

A lot of times we feel so weighed down by the burden of responsibilities placed on us at work that we simply don't have room in our brains for creativity, exercise, hobbies, when we get home from a long and stressful day - even our romantic lives and marriages can suffer as a result. But when it comes right down to it, the message we tell ourselves is so powerful - it's human nature to avoid or brush off that which makes us vulnerable or requires extensive effort. If you try, you might fail - or be rejected. If you don't know how to do it right, why try to do it at all? Someone might criticize you. (That is the f*** it mentality talking!)

Another something to consider is our emotional state. Many people feel entitled to do whatever they want after work - after all, they've already been told by others what they should be doing all day. Have you ever told yourself "I'm going to go home, put on my sweats, and do NOTHING all evening - because I can!" It's a very empowering feeling! It may sound silly, but of course we want to go home and do "whatever we want because we can". It's the only time of day that we feel empowered by our own choices.

The problem with doing "whatever we want" is that a lot of us are so out of touch with what we want. Something feels good, we do it. A lot of things feel good, but not a lot of those things are empowering - nor do they make us innately satisfied or happy. So many people I run into have said things like "You did what!?" or "That was really ballsy of you" or "I wish I could do something like that." The truth is, I don't have any secret power or weapon to go after what I want. In fact, I am usually very weary of trying anything new.

I, like most people, normally avoid what I want or need to do to feel better, because doing what I want and what would make me feel happier requires more risk, effort, work, and energy than just slumping into the couch and leaving my butt imprint on the cushion. The payoff, however, is far more empowering than resisting efforts altogether.

Here are some things I do to keep myself motivated after a long and stressful day:

• Get some peace and quiet
• Spend time alone each night without your spouse or your kids. If you think that's impossible, you may want to reevaluate your trust in other people (people who can help you watch the kids or who will encourage you to take a time out when you need it.)
• If you feel uncomfortable spending time alone, it's important to explore that feeling of discomfort. It's natural for many people, especially extroverts, to deliberately avoid time alone, but it is vital piece of mental wellness to sit with yourself each day. (If you don't like spending time with yourself, that will be apparent to others.)
  
• Do something you love for at least an hour or more per day
• Do you love walking? Reading? Sewing? Crafting? Taking baths? Dedicate 1 hour a day, no questions asked. You will love yourself for it.
• I recently picked up a few new hobbies out of inspiration from spending time with my Mom. She loves to bead and make jewelry, re-purpose used furniture, and frequents garage sales. Those are things I never would have thought to do before, that I am now starting to love!
• How many hours do you spend each day doing things that you wouldn't do unless a paycheck was involved? One hour a day is just 4% of your entire day. Make it a priority.
  
• Take a new perspective on household chores
• Don't just do the dishes to avoid living in filth. Think of the outcome - a sparkling clean, organized home will makes you feel much more at ease and in control (a feeling we often lack in the workplace). 
• If you're really resistant to household chores, it's important to ask yourself why you feel so resistant. Were you forced to clean when you were younger (before you could have ANY fun)? Did your parents suspend your privileges if you avoided mowing the lawn? Hey, guess what, you're an adult now - take the 12 year old version of yourself out of the equation, and do it because you will feel better - not because of something that used to really annoy you! 
• No one controls us, even as adults - But the dialogue we repeat for years and years is hard to stop listening to. Start by noticing what you are avoiding, without judging yourself.
  
• Stop trying to be perfect (otherwise known as self-sabotage)
• If you go on a "diet", and you're attempting to lose weight through means of extreme self-deprivation and/or setting limits on yourself, your knee-jerk reaction one day might be "OMG I want ALL THE HORRIBLE JUNK FOOD I CAN GET MY HANDS ON!" C'mon - we've all done it! We are all guilty of falling into the psychological trap of deprivation. 
• Maybe you want to lose weight, maybe you are avoiding a food because it makes you feel tired or depressed. Maybe it doesn't have to do with food, maybe it's alcohol or cigarettes. Either way, the limits and the sabotage are symptoms of perfectionism. There's that voice again - "If I can't do it perfectly, then screw it."
• Remind yourself of why you want something. If you want a clean house, why do you want that? Is it to feel more calm? Is it because household messes stress you out? Or maybe you want to lose weight and feel better about yourself - why? Is the reason more important than sabotaging your own efforts?
• The moral of the example is to give yourself a freakin' break! The reason so many people fall into this pattern of thinking is because they place limits on themselves; then, out of the natural inner rebel that wants to be "freed" of excess limits, we sabotage our own efforts to become better people by doing something (binge eating, abusing alcohol, other addictive behaviors) which we never set out to do in the first place. 

Sometimes we just need a break from everything - and that's okay. We need a cookie or a dinner that isn't "on plan". That's okay. The trouble is when we let the games we play with ourselves overcome the bigger picture. These games are typically patterns of thought that we've learned from years and years of not knowing any other way. 

Think of it this way: It's okay to break your own set of rules, because you are already free from your own rules to begin with. You are the boss of your own life - you set your own limits, and you are free to change those limits at any given time, without having to explain it to anyone. Therefore, when you do something or eat something that isn't conducive to creating your best life, you made that choice, and it is up to you how you will react to it. Changing your perspective can be incredibly empowering.

Very rarely do we want to do the hard work it takes to feel good, to feel happy, to feel abundant. We would rather sweep it under the rug, literally and figuratively, than deal with the hard things in life. Housework is hard. Relationships are hard. Meeting someone is hard. Family is hard. Going to work is hard. But does it have a reward? 

When you put in the effort and change your perspective, you will reap the benefits of an amazing and fulfilling life.