Get to Know Me - Upbringing & Struggles With Weight

  

Hi Everyone!

If you've been following my blog for the last year or so, you already know that for some time now, I've been working to lose the extra weight I put on around 2 years ago due to stress. If you haven't been following my story, I'll give you a brief back story/history of my weight ups and downs throughout the years.

Here I am in the late 80's (right) about a year after I was born. My Mom had me later in her life - she was 40 when I was born! I guess you could say I was sort of a surprise. A cute surprise.

When I was about 4 years old, my parents were divorced. My Dad moved out shortly after the divorce.

Here I am with my cousins, around 8 years old. 

When I was 8 years old, I broke my right leg (femur - the biggest bone in your body) and was in a body cast for what felt like several months. I even had to learn to walk all over again! The stress of the accident definitely took a toll on my weight. I was a chubby, awkward kid. I was always called fat and picked on by other kids throughout grade school.

How cute is my cousin without her glasses!? She is all grown up now, and absolutely gorgeous!

In 4th grade, I began playing softball. Even though the girls on the team were horrible to me, playing softball and being active slowly helped me build my confidence. I reached a healthy weight by age 10 or 11, but shortly after I stopped playing altogether due to excessive bullying.

Fast forward about 5 years, here I am with my sisters and brother around age 14 (right). From age 8 - 15 or so, I struggled with my weight; it went up, then down, then back up. Various stressors at home and school were the main reasons for the constant fluctuations.

By age 14, I asked my Mom if I could accompany
her to a Weight Watchers meeting. 

Weight Watchers actually worked for me! It taught me the basics of tracking calories (points), and was a generally positive and encouraging environment to be in during the weekly meetings.

Around 1 year later, at 15 years old, I had lost about 30+ pounds through Weight Watchers. This picture (left) is me at my lowest recorded weight. I weighed 135 pounds. 

I had a rough upbringing, but managed to maintain a healthy weight for about a year, from age 15 to 16.

When I was a teenager, I unfortunately found myself in an abusive relationship that lasted throughout high school. My self esteem plummeted. Although people told me I was pretty, being with someone who physically and emotionally abused and manipulated me made it impossible to develop a strong sense of self. Once my relationship with this person became long term, I found myself turning to food more and more as an escape and a coping mechanism for the abuse.

Between 2001 (pictured above) and 2004 (right), I gained a total of 70 pounds. By my high school graduation, my weight reached its highest.

Although I accomplished a lot throughout high school, including working full time as a supervisor for a pizza parlor while attending full time running start courses at the local community college, I was probably at one of my lowest points when this picture was taken.

The relationship I was in had taken a turn for the worst; it was a miracle I survived high school without dropping out or turning to drugs to get by. The relationship continued off and on, while I struggled to try and get my life together. Most of my family and the few friends I had didn't know my boyfriend was physically abusive.


I remember weighing 204 pounds on graduation day.

In August 2004, not long after a lot of other changes took place, I landed a job at a Starbucks drive-thru not far from my soon-to-be new apartment. A few months after being hired, the night shift needed a supervisor - so I was promoted to manage the night shift.

It was at Starbucks that my future really started to look brighter. I met a really great group of people, some of whom are still my friends to this day. For the first time in my life, I was building a strong support system of good friends and learning how to have fun.

My 21st birthday was the last birthday I celebrated with my abusive ex-boyfriend. Around February of that year, I dumped him. It was to the credit of my Starbucks group of friends, who essentially took me out and gave me an intervention, urging me to leave this toxic relationship. I am forever indebted to them for that.


I quickly grew tired of retail management, and knew I was destined for something greater. I craved stability and independence, so I applied for a position at Starbucks headquarters - and I was hired!

I worked for the company for about a year, from 2007 to 2008. Because I was in a stable and supportive environment, I began losing weight slowly.

In June 2008, I was a happy, moderately healthy 165 pounds. I learned how to be fashionable, started to believe that I might actually be pretty, and really developed a true sense of self and of what I wanted out of life. I made more friends at my new job, and attended a friend's baby shower (right). I had a new love interest, and things felt like they were headed in the right direction.

Fast forward to 2008 - I moved in with my boyfriend at the time, and dropped another 15 pounds when I found out that I may be gluten and dairy intolerant. I continued to track calories, but didn't do anything special to lose the weight.

In the bathroom of my condo taking selfies

With an old friend, 2007-2008

In 2009, I suffered a major loss. I lost my job (not at Starbucks) unexpectedly. My relationship was starting to fall apart as well. I relocated to another city to be with my boyfriend at the time, but it wasn't long after I went into a very deep depression.

I continued to work on myself throughout the year, while I worked jobs off and on. In May 2010, I decided to leave my relationship and move back to my Mom's house. The transition took a huge emotional toll on me. I felt completely lost, was unemployed, had next to no money, and despised living at home, where I didn't get along very well with my Mom.

It was, however, during that extremely trying time that I reached my second lowest weight. Being single again, I started to spend more time working out - running was my fave - and throughout all those years, I continued to track calories.

 
2010 - 140 - 145 pounds

I was single, not working, and once again - I didn't know what to do with myself. This was in the middle of the economic downturn, and jobs were even more difficult to come by. I found myself contracting off and on, but I never really enjoyed my line of work. It was then that my Mom and I had a falling out, and I moved out without hesitation. I quickly found a roommate, who also happened to be an old friend from my first job at Starbucks.

Not long after moving in, my roommate must have noticed how down I was, and offered to set me up on a blind date. I wasn't ready to get into a relationship just yet, as I felt I really had nothing to offer at the time... I wasn't working and didn't have any specific goals for the future. I wondered how anyone could find me fun or attractive when I felt so depressed.

How wrong I was!!! Unbeknownst to me, I met my husband on August 21st, 2010, at a coffee shop in a Seattle neighborhood. Our first date lasted several hours, as we quickly connected over similar goals as well as struggles. We each shared stories about our struggles with weight (his weight fluctuated throughout his life, too) and how both of us had lost over 70 pounds. We started seeing each other, and it was only a few short months later that we were inseparable. I was in love, and I knew I'd met The One.

 
 Matt and I spent all of our time together. Probably too much time together - but what do you expect!? We had met our match - and we both knew it. 


Matt treated me with the utmost respect and kindness. He is patient, kind, funny, hard working, and generous. He is affectionate and loving. He knows me better than anyone, and I am so lucky to have met him.

Over the next few years, Matt and I began once again struggling with our weight. I was trying to juggle the stress of working odd jobs and not having a steady income, while he juggled the stress of working for a busy law firm full time and being in a brand new relationship. Both of us found our comfort in food.

I began working full time again in 2011,and  my job became increasingly demanding and stressful. I started to struggle financially. My car broke down, and I was working two jobs with no way to get around. I let the stress of my situation contribute to my weight gain. 

In November 2011, Matt and I got engaged! I was absolutely head over heels in love with him - I couldn't believe this person, this amazing person, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Matt showed me I was beautiful in a way no one ever had. 

 
Pictures from our engagement/Christmas photo shoot, December '11


The stress of my job and planning a wedding really got to me for the next 8 months. It was also during this time that I had a falling out with two old friends. Throughout the experience of planning and the actual wedding, I came to realize who my true friends were. 

Sadly, however, my weight skyrocketed to an all time high of 220 pounds. Unlike most brides, I didn't feel anywhere near beautiful on my wedding day. In hindsight, I did look beautiful, but I think it shows in my pictures that I didn't truly feel that way. I realized shortly after our wedding that I had an exceptionally difficult time handling adverse and stressful situations, and that it has always adversely affected my weight and my happiness. I knew I had to change that.

My bridesmaids and I (and my highest weight)

 

From the proposal to the wedding, I gained a total of 40 additional pounds. I am in no way writing this blog to shame myself, or to cast guilt upon myself of any sort. I don't think that gaining or losing weight is inherently wrong or bad. Weight gain is just the external circumstance of a person not caring for themselves in the ways they should.

I am happy to report that I have lost a total of 37 pounds since my wedding day. It's been almost one year since the day I married my best friend, and it really is a time of reflection for me. So much has changed since then - I've changed jobs, moved to a brand new city, and have looked deep within myself to find the reasons behind my continued struggle with weight.

Here are some recent pictures of me:

From left to right: 220 pounds, 195 pounds, 185 pounds

Taken June, 2013

 

At my friend's wedding, June 2013, -30+ pounds

As you can see from reading my story, I've let stress get to me in the worst way. I've used stress as a way to neglect myself, ignore myself, shut myself out - I am just now learning to have a voice! I've encountered several stressful situations and haven't had the easiest life, but even through all that, I kept finding a way. I kept finding a light and I kept following it. I've learned - especially in the past year - that I am the only one who has let the stress of life keep knocking me down - and I'm the only one who can get back up and do something about it.

I always hear people say that if only they could lose a certain amount of weight, their life would be "so much better". If they just had enough money to hire a personal trainer. If they could afford a gym. If they could buy organic produce every week. That's really not what it's about, though, is it? 

Living a fulfilling life comes down to one simple thing: Take care of yourself. One of my favorite bloggers always says "When you take care of your body, it will glow." Take care of yourself for heaven's sake! You (and I, and anyone else) can make a million excuses about why life is the way it is - it's stressful because I have kids, it's stressful because I have family problems, it's stressful because of my marriage, it's stressful because I can't make decisions about the future, it's stressful because I don't have money, etc...

You can also turn those stressors into excuses - or you can turn them into motivation for change. I've heard (and said) things like: Tracking calories is too tedious. I'm too tired to exercise.  My job is draining, therefore I am going to watch TV all night and 'do whatever I want'. I might get injured if I work out. I don't want to lose weight for other people (I used that one for years). 

What it really comes down to is this - are you first in your own life? Do you come before other people? Are your needs met every day? Do you feel fulfilled in your relationship and in your job? If not, why don't you? If not, can you change it? If you can't change it (right away), can you change your attitude about it? If you're not asking to be first in your own life, then who exactly is first in your life?

Weight loss is not life, and life is not weight loss. Life is real struggle. Life is annoying. Life is things getting in the way of your goals. Life is traffic jams and nine-to-five's and all day meetings. Life is screaming children and annoying coworkers. Life is sadness and depression and addiction and divorce. Life is loss. But life is also so much more than what most people make of it. 

In the end, life is never about weight. It's about what you do with yourself, how you care for yourself, and your attitude, while you are given this short amount of time on this planet. There's no reason to feel sad or sorry for yourself. Adversity can always be overcome.