Most people are probably not aware of how they come across, or what things they say about themselves to negate their own accomplishments or appearance. Especially in groups of women, weight and appearance seem to be the dominating topics of conversation between family members, friends, and coworkers. Women bond over their flaws, rather than their fabulousness.
Most of us learn to talk negatively about ourselves from our parents. People who grow up in a household that feeds the criticism of self and others will, by nature, pick up the same bad habits of their parents or siblings. It's an ongoing cycle that is normally carried out through each generation, until someone decides not to participate in negative self talk any longer.
Throughout the past few years, I've worked steadily on obtaining a positive body image, regardless of my size. At my heaviest weight, I was incredibly sad. I may have appeared happy or funny to my friends, but in actuality, I was immensely depressed. It wasn't until my husband encouraged me to seek the help of a professional that I began working toward a healthier body image.
I started seeing a counselor (who was also a nurse) who had worked in a weight loss surgery clinic. She told me that she was inspired to further her education and become a counselor throughout her time as a nurse. She realized that obesity is an internal issue - not an external issue, how society likes to label it. As she was patiently chipping away at finishing her hours to obtain her counseling license, she became my go to mentor during a very troubling time.
In our weekly sessions, which I attended for 9 months (without a break!) here are some of the things she taught me that still stand out to me to this day.
1) Intuitive Eating - the Anti Diet Book
After an initial intake session, including a full history of my life, background, and weight struggles, Michelle introduced me to a book titled "Intuitive Eating". I was skeptical, assuming it was another "diet" plan that I would fail miserably. To my surprise, Intuitive Eating is quite the anti-diet book. Intuitive Eating focuses on a few key points, which I've outlined below.
2) Dichotomizing Food
Who decided that food is either "good" or "bad"? Who thought of that?! One of the first things I learned in my sessions and in this book was to stop dichotomizing food. (Dichotomizing is just a fancy term for labeling something as good or bad.) Here's why we should stop labeling food.
Food is neither good nor bad. Food is energy. It is a source of energy, made up of a specific amount of calories, and calories are a unit of heat energy - essentially, calories are higher or lower depending on their unit of heat energy. Think of high quality gasoline as being potentially more caloric, but healthier for your engine - low quality gas burns more quickly, and is harder on your engine.
Now that we have the basic science out of the way, we can see that neither gas is BAD gas - but one type of gasoline, or fuel, is harder on your engine. The engine has to work harder to use the low quality gasoline, whereas the high octane gasoline keeps your engine running smoothly. Your body is an empty tank, and the foods you eat (regardless of their caloric value or nutrient density) have an effect on the body's state of health.
That being said, there are no food police. I love this! How liberating would it be to be able to eat ANYTHING you wanted - absolutely anything you were craving - with no limits, except the ones you place on yourself? To be able to enjoy a hefty appetizer at your favorite restaurant, or to have dessert anytime you please? This is one of the steps that really took time for me to understand fully. There are no food police, except the ones in your head, telling you food is good or bad. Let's leave "good" and "bad" up to God to decide. (I'm pretty sure God wants you to eat that cake. Eat it... EAT IT)
3) The Diet Rebel
Basic psychology has proven time and time again that humanity goes against what is forced upon them. It is in our human nature to "rebel" against what we are forced to do. (Who likes going to the dentist? Who puts it off for years at a time? Hey, don't look at me, I go every year!) Point being, we all have a little (or a lot) of the Diet Rebel in us. Here's how to challenge that voice.
The Diet Rebel is that little voice in your head that says, "But I don't WANNNNA lose weight." "I don't WAAANT to make healthy dinner tonight." "I want to be BAD today and eat dessert for dinner." (Which, by the way, isn't a bad thing.) "I don't WAAAAANNNT to exercise." "I don't actually want to lose weight; only other people want me to, so I will show them!" And so on and so forth. Either way, the diet rebel is what prevents you from achieving your goals. And how does that work, you're wondering?
Let me tell you a little secret about the Diet Rebel. The Diet Rebel is a little devil that sits on your shoulder poking you with a hot, red pitchfork. My own personal Diet Rebel (who shall not be named) is the lovely resounding voice that got me to 220 pounds right before my wedding day. I guess you could say, she and I don't really talk much anymore... but she does pop up occasionally.
Now before you write me off as a schizo, hear me out! The reason the Diet Rebel plays devil's advocate is because it knows how to turn your opportunities into fleeting moments of sabotage. It takes the simple thought of eating a healthy, fulfilling meal and turns it into a mind game: "You don't have to eat that. You can eat whatever you want - so why don't you go and eat something baaaddd? You know you've been craving a cheeseburger all week... So go get one! Screw the people who say you should be thinner. Who are they anyway? You don't really want that. That's just shallow anyway, if all you care about is being thin. Just eat it, you don't have to answer to anyone."
The sad thing is that the Diet Rebel is partially right. What the Diet Rebel fails to do, though, is advocate for your needs. It only advocates for your feelings - not your true needs or desires. It's in our basic human nature to go against what we are forced to do. On a diet? Well, you had a doughnut, may as well give up now! Have 10 doughnuts! Who cares! It's a doughnut party now! Screw you, diet!!!!
The best way to combat the Diet Rebel, I've learned, is to become your own Lifestyle Ally. Your Lifestyle Ally is the voice that says "Yeah, a cheeseburger sounds good, since you're really hungry and stressed out from a long day at work. You could absolutely go get one if you really want to, since there aren't any Food Police, it's totally up to you. But I seem to recall that you were feeling really bloated the other day after eating all those nachos - and you said to yourself you want to eat more wholesome, home cooked meals because you want to start feeling better physically."
The Lifestyle Ally takes your overall goals and feelings into consideration - not just your fleeting moments of victimization, which the Diet Rebel clings to. Which voice will you feed?
4) Negative Self Talk & Judgment
One of the most difficult tasks in my counseling sessions was to revisit the week, and recount how I felt during the week. My counselor often asked me to remain mindful throughout each week. Mindfulness simply means being in the present moment as much as possible, and being aware. How are you feeling right this second? Are you anxious, happy, sad? Why or why not? Where in your body can you feel your state of mind? I was often asked to talk about my binge eating, which was sometimes emotionally difficult to recall. Admittedly, binges for me were equivalent to alcohol for an alcoholic or narcotics to an addict.
Over time and through extensive internal progression, my counselor pointed out a recurrent theme: guilt, anger, and punishment. Binges were triggered by anxiety, which turned into avoidance (I ate to avoid responsibilities of adulthood and difficult situations) which turned into depression, which turned into guilt, sadness, and more anxiety. All of that internal dialogue stemmed from a pretty basic fear: worthlessness and acceptance. My counselor described how I could begin to break the cycle of feeling "not good enough". The first step? Stop judging myself in any and every capacity.
This was THE most difficult habit to break. Whenever I feel myself slipping back into the judgment zone, I revert back to old habits, almost subconsciously - I tend to overeat and get lazy and avoidant. I spend hours doing nothing, yet complaining about my situation. I revert to a victim stance - a victim who is "too distraught" or "not good enough" to take care of myself.
Women everywhere judge themselves harshly and especially judge other women as harshly, if not more so. So why are women (not all of them - but most, and men are not excluded from this) so judgmental? Well, why wouldn't we be judgmental of others when we are so incredibly hard on ourselves?
So how do we stop judging ourselves, so we can stop judging others?
5) Take Action & Challenge Old Thought Patterns
Only after practicing mindfulness and awareness can we really take action in our lives. Another amazing part of my journey with Michelle is that she was so patient and thoughtful. She really took the time to listen and encouraged me to listen to my own thoughts, and to watch my own actions as if I were outside myself - to see myself through the eyes of a non judgmental person. She taught me to look upon myself with care and compassion. Trust me when I say that before I started therapy with her, I had very little compassion for myself or anyone else.
If I can take away one of the most helpful pieces of knowledge from my time with her, it is to simply stop judging. Stop judging yourself and you will find more compassion for others along the way. Take the time this week to really listen to the thinking patterns in your mind, and without judging them, slowly start to challenge them. If you find yourself overeating, don't judge it. Learn from it and keep going.
I truly hope these tips help you along the way in your own journey, whatever that may be. Food and weight and health are so interdependent. I feel it's best to explore internal dialogue before making external changes. If an old house is re-painted to look brand new, it doesn't stop termites from eating away at the house's foundation - Why would your body and mind be any different?
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